By Whitney Ronzello

Bad mother. The last thing any woman wants to hear. The one thing that she's trying not to be. Yet that's what I was called by my sister-in-law when I told her I didn't know if I wanted to breastfeed. It is drilled into us as women that we are supposed to do certain things and be a certain way when we become mothers, not just by strangers and "society" but by family, friends, and other women who are supposed to be an ally and support systems. 

My breastfeeding journey has not been an easy one. From day one, my first baby would not latch correctly. I didn’t have the resources to reach out to a lactation consultant and had no assistance. Nurses in the hospital told me to try a nipple shield and that once my milk came in, I could pump and supplement with formula as needed. They said it would get easier. I was a brand new mother sent home with minimal "advice" and had to figure it out myself - already with the stigma that I would be a "bad mother" if I didn't find some way to breastfeed and supplement as little as possible. Because, after all, every new mother needs reminding that "breast is best."

My milk came in fast and furious, so I did the only thing the nurses told me to do - I pumped. No one taught me how to use the pump. I googled it and joined a Facebook support group to get tips on pumping. My husband supported my breastfeeding journey but worked nights in the medical field, so he could not be involved.

I pumped for the first 8-9 months of my daughter's life. I built enough of a stash that when my milk dried up at the nine-month mark, it still got her through her entire first year of life as a "breastfed" baby. However, she was not exclusively breastfed, and we did have to supplement with formula from time to time, even with my oversupply issues; I felt like a failure each time but told no one.

I was a full-time stay-at-home mom attempting to run a part-time business out of my home, but pumping consumed every aspect of my daily life. I was told to feed her every two hours. So like clockwork, after every feeding, I would pump, wash everything, and start again two hours later. As a result, I developed four separate occurrences of mastitis and had two breast abscesses that required draining. Yet, no one (medically or personally) referred me to a lactation consultant or offered any breastfeeding advice. Eventually, the repeat mastitis and breast abscesses caused such a hit to my supply that I produced virtually nothing, which was why I stopped.

With my second child, I was convinced I would have a similar experience, yet, my second baby latched perfectly. This time around, I was no longer a stay-at-home mother. I was five years older, and after my experience breastfeeding my first child and the time commitment of pumping, I had no desire to do so with my second child. It was mid-pandemic, and I led a hectic work and home life, and it didn't seem feasible to pump. The thought of me not breastfeeding for more than a few weeks created a massive conflict in my marriage. I was again made to feel like I was not making the right decision because "breast is best," and if I was fully capable of breastfeeding but choosing not to, I was making the wrong decision because "breastmilk is just so much better for the baby."

After my second C-section, I still was not offered/recommended lactation assistance by anyone in the medical field. Looking back now, I see that it was most likely because I previously had an oversupply of breast milk - I didn't have any problems producing milk. My second baby latched perfectly, and even if he didn't latch, I was able to pump and feed him if necessary, so why would I need assistance or any help? I was sent home with a sweet, healthy baby, yet I would cry myself to sleep multiple times weekly during the first month of my son's life because of the arguments in my marriage regarding breastfeeding.

Yes, he did latch "perfectly," but I was in unbearable pain whenever I breastfed. And every time I didn't have him latched, I was still in unbearable pain from the engorgement and multiple letdowns. So, I took it upon myself to seek a lactation consultant within my insurance network. My first visit with the only lactation consultant I knew (that came highly recommended after asking around) left me less than impressed. I explained what was happening and how I was feeling and was met with coldness and felt dismissed by the consultant. She checked my latch, and it was perfect. She watched me breastfeed, and she couldn't find any issues (even though I was grimacing in pain), and she listened to me crying about the lack of support that I had at home and my feelings of failure if I chose to quit. She eventually told me to "just quit then… you're going to do whatever you wanna do anyway." She concluded that I was suffering from postpartum depression. I was sent out of her office that day with a prescription for an antidepressant. But even on antidepressants, nothing changed. Every feed was painful. I scheduled multiple follow-up visits after that to try and figure out what to do because I was still so torn about stopping breastfeeding completely or continuing and being in pain 24/7.

After my second or third appointment, where again the consultant concluded that nothing was wrong, I was sent home with the homework to research D-MER and Vasospasms and see if they had any similarities with what I felt. The symptoms seemed consistent with what I was experiencing. So at my next appointment, she told me that there wasn't anything she could do other than give me a few herbal supplements and another prescription for the antidepressant for my "postpartum depression." Not one mention of how to help with my oversupply or manage my supply at all, ever. I continued through the pain of breastfeeding until my son was 3 to 4 months old. At that point, I was still struggling with my mental health and had pain with every feeding, but I was able to push through and rarely cried (to avoid arguments or irritation at the sight of my struggle). I hated every minute of it and developed a lot of resentment towards the people encouraging me to continue but offering no real "support" or help.

After they "officially" diagnosed me with D-MER and Vasospasms at my last lactation consultant appointment, I never went back. Still, I did my research on how to try and manage my oversupply. All of the information that I was able to find recommended teas and other natural ways to help lower the milk supply, which I tried, and they did help. However, the pain was still present, so I stopped breastfeeding for my mental health. It was a painful and challenging process, but within what seemed like days of being completely dried up, my "postpartum depression" was gone. I was clearheaded and felt like myself again, which was a huge relief.

Now pregnant with my third child, I have reached the crossroads of breastfeeding again. Do I want to try a third time and hope for a different experience? Or dry myself up from the beginning and save the possible struggle? From my experience, there always seems to be such controversy on breastfeeding that I feel like my demographic (the ones who can easily produce but may struggle in other areas) gets overlooked and under-served. Because I had no problems producing milk, I was made to feel like I should have no problems. Simply suck up whatever bothers me, and medicate myself with antidepressants to make me feel the way I "should" when breastfeeding so I don't have to quit. Produce as long as possible, and be thankful that I can even produce for my baby. It's what's best for the baby, and I don't want to be a "bad mother," right??

Being a good mother isn't based on anyone's breastfeeding journey. Breastfeeding is a wonderfully natural and beautiful experience, except when it's not. And a woman's decision to continue breastfeeding or quit should be supported equally. More support should be readily available so she can make the best decision for her and her baby without the pressure of everyone around her wanting her to do something or act a certain way. The jury is still out on what my final decision will be with baby number three, but I am optimistic since I have found a local friend who may be able to help me better manage what my body goes through this time around, good or bad.                                                     

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